Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
