last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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