afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
