Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
