Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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