I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize