Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
