you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
