I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
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True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
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I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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