I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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