I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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