Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
