things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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