just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
