Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
