I smell stomach acid.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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