i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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