my soul wont recognize me after tonight
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
