I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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