Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
