Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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