It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
