loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
