News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
