Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
