I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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