That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And my parents said I crawled through the house
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
