Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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