two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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