I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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