Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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