Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
