Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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