If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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