if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
