I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
