I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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