bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
