So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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