I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I will be naked everywhere
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
