once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
