I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
