You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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