I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
