yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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