a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
