It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
