dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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