My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Two words: nipple clamps
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