i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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