So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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