just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
