I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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