it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
