i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
