So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The uberlube is also flammable
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.