at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
